while i was on maternity leave i spent a lot of time reading posts from fellow new momma's. some of their stories felt just like mine, some were just a little relatable - but all of them made me feel less alone. one momma shared a series of posts she wrote every so often about 'the mom i am today.' acknowledging that the mom we are right now may not be the mom we were last month or last week nor are we the mom we will be in the coming days, weeks and months. but the mom we are right now is very real - no matter how long or short this "stage" may last.
i really liked this idea; a way to document my motherhood journey. it may also be helpful to be able to look back and see how i've grown. so much focus is on the milestones our little ones make. which, don't get me wrong, are super exciting and just too adorable not to share. but let's not forget the milestones that we reach in our journey into motherhood; because we too are growing right along with our littles.
i wrote this first series of thoughts when little man was two months old. reading it now i'm amazing by how far i've come since then. those first months after yogi was born were a pretty dark time. things are drastically different now, but i wanted to share my raw, unfiltered and unapologetic thoughts from those days. because they were so real and the roughness of the fourth trimester is not talked openly enough about.
the momma I am today // december 2017
the momma i am today... is afraid to put my baby down; not out of love but out of fear. fear that he will most likely start crying.
the momma i am today... takes those cries personally; they surely indicate that i am doing something wrong. that i am not being a good mother.
the momma i am today... gently pokes my baby when he's sleeping and it's hard to see if he's breathing and he's just *too* quiet - while also praying that i don't wake him up; because surely he will start crying.
the momma i am today... avoids tummy time because my baby doesn't appear to enjoy it and would start fussing and crying, and why would i want to encourage that. i know how important it is for development though, so i feel guilty about not doing it.
the momma i am today... believes that the day i decided it was okay to offer him a pacifier was a total game changer. there are many mixed opinions about pacifiers - but i am team pacify all the way.
the momma i am today... prays that my baby sleeps between feedings because i don't know how to play with him. i don't know what to do with him. it's easier to just hold him in place and wait until he eats again.
the momma i am today... sometimes cries more in a day than my baby. sometimes i'm doing all the crying, sometimes it's just him and sometimes we cry together.
the momma i am today... has only said the same two words over and over again to my baby - i'm sorry. i'm sorry i don't know what i'm doing. i'm sorry that you got stuck with me. i'm sorry i don't know what else to say to you.
the momma i am today... feels like my baby got the short end of the stick, that he deserves a better mom than me.
the momma i am today... has horrible flashbacks of how hard and painful labor was. sometimes looking at my baby triggers those thoughts.
the momma i am today... sometimes wonders why did i think this was a good idea, did i really think i could do this. if i had really understood all that it meant to be a parent would i have still wanted to do this?
the momma i am today... wishes for my old life back, the one where i got to sleep when i wanted, where my body was my own and i wasn't responsible for a tiny little human.
the momma i am today... judges myself for not feeling happier, you're "supposed" to feel happy right?
the momma i am today... is calling bullshit on all the people who told me to "enjoy every moment" and it's "the most beautiful time" - sleep deprived, covered in spit up, arms numb from bouncing a baby and then you hear a loud noise and you soon feel the aftermath... we must have different ideas of beauty. and now i feel guilty for not enjoying what i feel i'm "supposed" to enjoy.
the momma i am today... can't imagine things getting better. everyone says they will. i try to believe them, to cling onto that hope.
the momma i am today... worries that something is wrong with me because i'm not in love with my baby.
the momma i am today... wishes more women shared their authentic, unapologetic truth. there is so much shame that momma's - especially new momma's feel. the world has painted this picture of how wonderful, beautiful, and magical it is. and for some women that may be true but for some, like me, it's so very not - especially in those early weeks and months. but you feel like a horrible person for thinking these things - because what if you really are the only one? what would people say? will they think i'm a terrible person, a terrible mother? if just one momma can read this and breathe a sigh of relief knowing, me too, than that will make my heart so happy. because it truly takes a village not just to raise a child, but to become a mother - and we are not in this alone. i see the exhaustion in your eyes, the dried tears on your cheek, the heart that feels full yet heavy. i see you, momma, you are not alone.
