during those first days, weeks, and months i felt a lot of things i thought i wasn't "supposed" to feel and didn't feel like i felt the things i was "supposed" to feel. before little man arrived i had so much anxiety about feeling an instant connection with him. the one that is shared all over social media and portrayed on TV and the movies. that immediate bond, where my eyes met his and i felt a kind of love i never knew before.
march 2018
we were in the hospital when i knew how much i truly loved this little human [yogi]. not when he was born, however, this was months later. days of not feeling well finally landed us in the emergency room at 5:00am on a thursday morning. my husband [b] was, as luck would have it, traveling out of town for work. after a night of no sleep my newfound mom-stincts told me to call the nurse line. again. and suddenly we were headed to the emergency room and i went into auto pilot. despite it all, you would hardly know he was sick. charming up the nurses with smiles and jabbering non-stop. he was handling it all like a champ. being put in that terrifying plastic tube for an x-ray, being poked and prodded, examined and swabbed, hours and hours of waiting until we found out what was wrong - pneumonia, RSV and a double ear infection.
they needed to hook up an IV for antibiotics. needles have never been my thing. i've always looked away when he's gotten his shots. watching them try to get the needle into one of his tiny little veins was pure torture. they tried each limb, but he was only four and a half months old and his veins were so small. the nurses were being as gentle as they could, but they were having to pull out every trick in the book to try and get him hooked up so he could get the medicine he so badly needed. i would have given anything to trade places with him. hearing his cries - cries that i'd heard many, many times over the past months - but these were different, so helpless, filled with exhaustion. i wanted nothing more than to take the pain for him.
we had to stay the night so they could continue to keep an eye on little man. and though i had to nearly yell so the nurses could hear me with baby yogi jabbering so loud, he was still so very sick. oxygen tubes from his nose, IV on one foot, heart and oxygen monitor on the other, and a sweet smile that nearly masked the pain he was in. the sloppy kisses he endlessly gave me, what i truly believe was him trying to make me smile, when i didn’t have the energy to try to make him smile. nothing about motherhood had gone how i thought it would be, so i shouldn’t have come as a surprise that in the midst of all of this pain and stress was where i discovered how much love i had for this little man.
laying in a hospital bed, holding my baby as he was hooked up to all kinds of machines and wearing a far too big for him purple hospital gown, my eyes were full of tears but my heart was bursting with love. i would do anything for him, i would take on his pain x10 if it meant he would have no more pain, i would gladly hold him for days on end if it made him feel just the slightest bit better, i would fiercely advocate to make sure he got the best care possible, i would push through any struggles or shortcomings i felt to be there for him. laying in that hospital bed i knew i was holding a piece of me that i would love all the days of my life.
there is no manual for how to be a parent (though i keep searching for one) and there is no one specific way that your journey as a parent will look. every love story is different, and a parent-child relationship is no exception. this love doesn’t make things easier, but it does remind you that it’s worth it.
