write something, read it, *ugh*, delete it. write something else, read it, *no, no, no*. delete it. write something, read it, *why can't my thoughts translate into words*, delete it. *not today...* (repeat weekly for 2 months).
my fancy new online home hasn't even celebrated 3 months yet and i already feel like i've failed. it still has that new website glow and i've thought about giving up. i poured my heart, soul and all my passion into this project and often i forget why. building it was full of excitement, nerves, and so many possibilities. i couldn't wait for it to launch, to share it with the world. launching felt like all kinds of accomplishment; a total #girlboss moment pressing publish. 'work on blog content' continued to be that one item on your to-do list that keeps getting bumped to the next day.
i feel so completely filled with thoughts and words that can't seem to translate onto the page. my mind can't stay focused on just one thought; as soon as i try to acknowledge it another one takes front and center. when i try to express what i want to say i can't... when i try to "just write down whatever" nothing comes out. before i have a chance to put it down, my mind shuts it down for not being right or good enough. those thoughts that made me want to call it quits? here they are.
- impostor syndrome - i don't deserve such a beautiful space, who am i to think that i have anything to say
- overwhelm - so many thoughts i want to share, where do i begin. if i want to write about this thing then i should write about that thing first. (aka i never write anything)
- the 'p' word - perfectionism. the words don't feel right, it's not perfect... why even bother
- negative self talk - nobody is going to read this, you could do better, all of your subscribers or followers are just going to leave - you can't do it. you're not enough. the things that i say to myself are so hurtful, if anyone said them to me i would never tolerate it.
- general anxiety - some days that i wanted to work on a post, my anxiety had other plans; i couldn't focus or get out of the fog of my own world
i'm going to have to struggle through it, but i will not give up. i will not quit. deep in my heart i know that i am meant to heal myself out loud, share my story, give a voice to the voiceless. i will not be shamed into silence, especially when that shame is self inflicted. you have ever felt any of these things - this is your reminder that you are not alone. it's not always going to be pretty, but i promise you this; it will be authentic, real and unfiltered.
